The following is a transcript that was taken from a 103 minute recording in the fall of 2015.  This transcript is not a minute to minute dialog, but rather a compilation of many different parts to get the point across without hearing both sides of the conversation.  It has taken me years of not only self-guided education to learn how to communicate with my children in an effective and non-threatening manner but have also educated them how to communicate with me.  I did do some talking and in some cases – too much talking, but these are only words from my son and he has given his consent to publish them.  If I could help anyone with a similar situation, it would be to help people comprehend how important it is for the adult to swallow their pride and get rid of the “Hitler” mentality when it comes to our natural desire to be in control.  In this specific situation, we are talking about a 15 year old who has wanted to die for more than 2 years.  CONTROL WAS LOST A LONG TIME AGO.  Now would be the time to earn trust in hopes that “we as adults” can do our job and be there to guide them out of the darkness.  You can’t guide if you are not allowed into the darkness – PLEASE REMEMBER THAT!

“What is wrong with me Mom. Something is missing and whatever it is that is missing, it hurts. It hurts me Mom and I don’t know how to fix it. What am I going to do when I grow up? What am I going to do when it’s time to move out? What if I never become ready to live? I wish there was a computer that could hook up to my brain to let people see what’s going on. I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this.  I don’t know what I would ever do without you because you are the only reason I chose to stay here.  When I think about dying, I don’t think about anyone but you and I know I won’t leave you, but I don’t want to be here anymore. I also know that if I’m dead, I won’t have you either.

I know that I am different.  I have thoughts that I couldn’t even explain to anyone.  These thoughts take such big tolls on me that I don’t even know what to do. I want something that will help me make these thoughts go away like these thoughts of growing up, I don’t know what they are.  They are just scary.  Sometimes I feel like I need to talk to somebody but there is no-one to talk to and I wouldn’t know what to talk about.  When I do get to talk to someone, they will ask me questions and I just sit there so dumbfounded because I don’t know how to answer. I don’t know what to say. I don’t think I’ll ever know what to say. These thoughts that are in my head are so loud but they don’t make sense.  Sometimes they make me feel like I’m crying but I’m not really crying but the pain is the same as crying.  There is a sadness in me that I can’t get to go away and I don’t know where it comes from but I do feel like something has happen to me – in my life that created these thoughts.  I don’t know what it is and I wish I knew what it was so I could know how to fix it but I don’t think I will ever know what it is and I don’t think I will ever be able to fix it.”

People need to understand that he does not seem to be in the same place today as he was then.  He has made so much progress and my family and his school district has been to the ends of the earth to get him as much help as possible.  One thing he doesn’t need are people accusing him of suicidal thoughts each and every second of the day.

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