This blog is dedicated to the children of the world who don’t quite “fit into the box” of societies school age culture and the parents who continue to support them.
My son and I began this journey together at least 6 or 7 years ago although I honestly have no idea how long he was traveling alone before then. I will admit that my knowledge in the beginning was not only impaired, but possibly neglectful as I had no idea what the early signs and symptoms could have meant. It wasn’t until the Fall of 2015 during one of our numerous deep conversations that I realized how toxic his thoughts were. I say thoughts as that is all they were. There were no intentions and no plan but the threat was extremely evident. My worst fears and assumptions from the past few years were correct and I now had every word recorded in clear audio – all 103 minutes. To this day, I can still hear the words, “Mom, I just don’t want to be here anymore.” and an immediate tear comes to my eye.
This sentence could mean so many things. I don’t want to live with you? I want to go live with my Dad? I want to move out on my own? No, that is not what it meant. The hour leading up to the sentence in this one recorded instance and the countless hours of numerous other deep conversations before I finally had the opportunity to record one said point blank that HE WANTED TO DIE. He did make it clear that he had no intention of doing anything to himself but that “if there were a God”, he just wants him to answer his prayers and allow his struggles to be over. He was tired of fighting. Tired of convincing. Tired of life.
The audio recording of this conversation has not been the miracle fix since this kind of situation never has a miracle fix and in many ways, this recording has caused more bumps and pitfalls than before I had “my proof”, but none the less, it helped many involved to believe that my son may not be the typical troubled teenage boy they had come to know. Many of the accusations towards him and his behaviors changed or stopped completely and although over a year has passed and we are now in our 4th school (due to trying to find the “proper” placement), we have seen progress. I will be forever grateful for our school district and their staff for standing right by my son’s side throughout this whole ordeal! Those who have been here since the beginning remain steadfast in a show of support that cannot be measured!
I have my son’s permission to create this blog and it is his intention to provide his own entries in order to give details into what he has gone through and what he is still going through as he believes his story can and will help other teenagers in his same situation. He also hopes to educate parents and teachers along the way.
My intention is to go out of my comfort zone and allow other parents, caregivers, teachers, siblings, etc to read some of our very personal experiences with the hopes that our stories can help, motivate and educate anyone who may be going through a similar situation. As a parent, I am so tired, so overwhelmed yet so hopeful and terrified at the same time. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring just like I have no real idea if what we have done or what we are continuing to do is the most accurate plan of action. I do know this… I will never stop fighting this fight no matter how many people judge me for my decisions or no matter how many people continue to look at our situation as “just another kid who needs a swift kick in the ass!” – “A master manipulator who has everyone on his side brain washed into believing his lies as they just need to force him into the legal system to teach him a lesson!” – No, I won’t stop fighting for a child who needs support more than anything. A child who is going through more pain than any of us around him could possibly imagine. A child who looks at his mother and knows she is overwhelmed and would do anything to change that. He is smart, kind, respectful and one of the most loving people I know. Yes, he has troubles following the rules. He self-medicates with THC use knowing that it rips his parents hearts out each and every time he uses. He struggles with the medication provided by his Psychiatrist praying that it will make a difference because in the numbing process, it puts him to sleep making an already dreadful school morning that much more unbearable and difficult. School? Wow! A nightmare that we’ll save for its own blog entry. Bottom line, this child is also tired. He’s also overwhelmed. He sees dead ends in every direction and trusts very few people but still wishes to help others.
In closing, we are a normal family and to all who are on the outside looking in, we are functional, productive people. We are two broken families who make up one. There are six children and four parents which can add more stress to an already stressful situation. There are so many different angles and dynamics to our already chaotic yet so very loving home so adding a child who has been diagnosed with a “Psychological disorder / illness” can sometimes become “the straw that breaks the camel’s back” but that is exactly what it is – just another straw where numerous already existed. That is important to remember when you are dealing with a mind that is already self-loathing. It is one day at a time with mandatory constant reminders to each and every family member that support is a choice. Tolerance is a choice. Compassion is a choice.
Our blog starts with a transcript of some of the audio that was captured in 2015. It isn’t the whole recording but is some of the most moving parts. If you have a child or a family member that this resembles, our hearts and prayers are with you. Stay strong!